One Flesh - A Reflection on Matthew 19:3-12

Some Pharisees came to him, and to test him they asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command us to give a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her?” He said to them, “It was because you were so hard-hearted that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery.”

His disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But he said to them, “Not everyone can accept this teaching, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”

I had a couple who came to me for counseling several years ago. All they spoke about in the entire hour they spent with me was money. The man talked about “his” money, and the woman talked about “her” money, and as they fought about it right in front of me, I could only shake my head in sorrow. However, I obtained an important insight about the root cause of problems in marriages through this session. It wasn’t money that was the real issue; it was self-centeredness. Both of them were only concerned about themselves. 

Now, self-centeredness is intrinsically wrong for the Christian believer, because denying ourselves and dying to ourselves are standard for the course.  Jesus has constantly urged us to do both. One day, “Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:24-25). We reflected on this a few days ago (see Citizens of Heaven: https://youtu.be/PAR0gtPoxPI).

To die to the self is not the death of self. Rather it is to set aside our desire to satisfy our own needs and focus on the needs of God and the needs of others. This expands our hearts so that we can become loving people who are truly like Christ. For the married person this becomes even more important, because as Scripture says, “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” That is Genesis 2:24, and we find Jesus quoting it here.

While one can interpret “becoming one flesh” as the physical union between couples, in a deeper sense the two become a single entity. They are no longer two but one. If we can understand this, then a lot of what Paul writes in his letters to the Corinthians (see Chapter 7) and to the Ephesians (see Chapter 5) about marriage starts to make sense. Those who are highly self-centered find his advice to “submit to one another” offensive and resent it. They want to do their own thing.

Marriages where partners are unwilling to die to the self will always be filled with friction, and many will end up in divorce — as we can see happening all around us all the time. On the other hand, when people are willing to set aside their own desire for emotional, physical, and intellectual satisfaction, preferring instead to satisfy their partner, such marriages will not only work, they will be good marriages. Because, as Paul says, “He who loves his wife, loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28). And vice versa.

The key is remembering that two are one.

Watch a video of this reflection by Aneel Aranha here:  https://youtu.be/YVob_XFJJ58